Part 4: Again? No, Really God, You Have to Freakin’ Kidding Me.

In spring of 09 we matched with another birth mom. There we no birthfather issues, she was sure of her decision, and she was 3 months from delivery. Oh, and by the way did I mention she was having twins? We were so happy! So, this was why we had has to go through the other loses, because God wanted us to have 2 and not 1! Shortly after being chosen by the twin’s mom, we got contacted by our agency that there was a different baby available. She was already born and we could essentially have her right away. We were torn. We had already told this birth mom yes, but this other situation was a “sure thing.” After a lot of prayer, I really felt like we were supposed to stay with the twin’s mom. After making this decision, I felt a genuine sense of peace.

A few weeks later we bought a much larger 5 bedroom home and began boxing up our things. We read books on having twins, bought a double stroller and picked up some girl clothes.

Then we got the 3 am call: she’s in labor. We were there to witness their birth. They were perfect and healthy. Being premature, they went to the NICU, where we were by their side for the first week of their tiny little lives.

When they were a week old, the birth mom changed her mind and decided to parent. It hit me like a ton a bricks. After getting the news, I was so upset I couldn’t drive home. Even now, it’s difficult to think about that time.With the move only days away, there wasn't really time to process.

I returned to work a few days later after reopening my schedule at the office (I had previously blocked my schedule for a maternity leave), and moved into a very big and very empty house. Jessica and Donna (Hawkins) were kind enough to come over and box up the baby stuff so we didn’t have to go through it. That’s where it remained: in boxes.

The hardest part was going back to work. They were still in the NICU… at my hospital… yards away from where I stood. I had to pretend they didn’t exist, while I sat and listened to all my pregnant patients complain about their back pain and yeast infections. I ‘happily’ delivered other peoples babies, while all the time my own heart was broken.

Time, prayer, and Hope slowly began to help me heal. Instead, of resenting the new house, we loved it. It was our proverbial “dream home” and we kept busy decorating and meeting the new neighbors (who we neglected to mention our whole adoption drama to). As the months went on, I truly forgave all those involved in our previous hurts and losses. I had never “blamed” any of our birth moms, but there were supporting players in the various dramas who I realized I was still harboring resentments against. Slowly but surely with time in the word, prayer, life group support and running, lots and lots of running, I finally grasped contentment. Not always. It was a daily decision. Sometimes it escaped me, but more days then not I was content…. Well, until kindergarten.

When Ryan started Kindergarten that fall, it was difficult on many levels. I had never, in my wildest dreams thought we would not have another baby at home by then. For Russ, it was difficult for additional reasons. As a stay at home dad, he essentially lost his job, when Ryan started school. While he had other projects which kept him occupied, the uncertainty was frustrating. I cried the first week of Ryan’s kindergarten. On my Mondays off I missed Ryan, but soon Russ and I came to realize that we had a unique gift: time. A balance was reached of expectant faith while still enjoying getting to spend extra quality time together.