A Surprise Disappointment

This is a post I had hoped and prayed I would not have to write. I suppose since I agreed to walk out this pregnancy journey in front of all of you, I had to be ready for this.

I've longed for years to be one of those girls that was surprised by a pregnancy. I've dreamed of saying, "Oh wow. I'm pregnant. I had no idea." Or, "Oops. I'm pregnant. Wasn't planning that." I figured that would never be my story but I always wondered. Yesterday, I came a tiny bit closer to this reality, although it's not turning out like I had hoped.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was to start taking Provera last week to jump start my cycle. This was our course of action after thinking I had not ovulated last month. After taking the Provera and waiting for my cycle to begin, I was met with nothing more than a little spotting. I called Dr. Rupe to ask about this and she told me to go ahead and start the next round of Clomid as the spotting could be considered a "period." She suggested I take a pregnancy test first just to be certain. I'm sure you know where this is going.

After years of day dreaming about how I would respond to a surprise, positive pregnancy test, I was finally given the opportunity to react. I called out to Dave and showed him the stick which adorned very clear, double, pink lines. I was giddy thinking this was God's way of delighting in me by giving me this silly heart's desire. I was giddy for about five minutes - the time between my first, surprise, positive pregnancy test and when I started bleeding. Twenty four hours later I am still bleeding and as experience would suggest I am likely in the middle of my third miscarriage.

I hope I don't sound faithless to be confessing miscarriage before I even know for sure. I have been wrestling with the Lord today going from hope to anger to sheer disappointment. I know He can do anything and I trust that He will if this baby is His plan. But if you've ever experienced anything like this before, you know then that you have to be prepared for whatever the answer. So I am doing just that. . .spending time talking with God so I can better understand His heart in all this. My simple, human mind cannot comprehend how He would allow us to go through this again. But then, how could He allow the poor nation of Haiti to endure all that they've gone through in the past few months? Who am I to question His sovereignty? More so, who am I to question His goodness?

As I began this day, my heart was filled with questions and some fear. I opened my new, favorite devotional book and read,

"Trust and thankfulness will get you safely through this day. Trust protects you from worrying and obsessing. Thankfulness keeps you from criticizing and complaining, those sister sins that so easily entangle you. Keeping your eyes on Me is the same thing as trusting Me. It is a free choice that you must make thousands of times daily. The more you choose to trust me, the easier it becomes. Thought patterns of trust become etched in your brain. Relegate troubles to the periphery of your mind so that I can be central in your thoughts. Thus you focus on Me, entrusting your concerns into my care." Sarah Young - Jesus Calling

Thank you for your prayers as we await His answer. No matter what the outcome, He is faithful.

With my eyes fixed on Him,