Thanks A Lot, Eve. . .

It's been quite a roller coaster the past week. We found out on Friday that this pregnancy is definitely not viable. I am disappointed and frustrated yet I feel very peaceful. I have asked the Lord why is was necessary for us to go through this again. I don't have an answer just yet and I may never have one. What I do know for sure is that He is God and as much as I don't understand His ways, they are higher than mine.

We visited a church this weekend where the pastor is currently teaching on Genesis 3 - the fall of man. He spoke about how there is something wrong with everything in the world because of the decision Adam and Eve made to disobey God. He pointed out that in God's response to Eve He told her she would have pain in childbirth. He expounded on that consequence and suggested that it would include pain and struggle in conception, pregnancy, childbirth and parenting. Thanks a lot Eve, you really screwed this up for me, didn't you?! I guess in some small way, studying the fall of man like this gave a bit of purpose to what I am going through right now.

As much as I hate to admit it, there will probably not be a new baby in our family in 2010. Being the planner that I am, I had many ideas of how I wanted this year to look. Going through a loss like this not only hurts my heart, it hurts the calendar of events I so carefully planned for this year. I don't know why I haven't learned by now that I need to stop planning and just allow Him to lead me day by day towards the promises I know He will fulfill. Obviously when you deal with infertility there has to be a bit more to it than "let's just go off the pill and see what happens." Still, I need to learn to live somewhere in between.

I hope that my response to this setback will be encouraging to others. I want women to know that it's OK to be disappointed. It's OK to wonder why. The important thing is not to stay in that place. Believe me, I have been wrestling with God this week. But at the end of the day I am left feeling completely peaceful that He is faithful and that He loves us and will provide another baby for our family. I would be inhuman if I didn't feel disappointed, sad, and frustrated through these circumstances. But because of God's great grace in my life, I can overcome those emotions and live in faith that He is who He says He is.

For those of you interested in the medical side of what's been going on. . .I guess you could say the baby never materialized. I suppose sperm fertilized egg but it did not go much beyond that. I'm sure Dr. Rupe can shed more light on the subject but that is my understanding. So what's next? Well my body went into pregnancy mode so now we wait for it to get the message that it's not happening. It could take a couple of weeks for my HCG hormone levels to go back to zero. Then we wait for my cycle to start and we try all over again. This could take several weeks so we'll spend more time on the blog talking about other aspects of pregnancy, childbirth and the book in the coming weeks.

We would appreciate your prayers as we look to wrap up the manuscript in the next month. This miscarriage has been a bit of a set back as I've not been up for writing lately. I feel like I am almost back in the game so I'll get cracking this week.

Continuing to Hope,