Crazy Faith

I am so excited that Heather is going to share her adoption story this month. You will not believe this amazing story. It's wonderfully ironic (or maybe it's providential) that she would be sharing about her adoption now. I wouldn't dare steal her thunder and share any specifics but I will say their adoption process was a long and tiring road (much like the one I am traveling now) yet it ended in a complete, God-ordained, you-don't-even-see-this-in-the-movies sort of way.

Two weeks ago I went back to the doctor to see if the additional drugs they gave me worked. They did. They worked so well I had two, great, big eggs on my right side. . .the one with no tube. When the tech gave me the news, I didn't know if I wanted to curse or cry. That stupid ovary hadn't produced ANY eggs for the past 4 months. And now that I'm at my whit's end, it gives me two giant ones that will surely go to waste in the abyss of my tubeless, right abdomen?!? Pretty quickly after my initial disappointment, I felt a huge rush of peace. I just wanted to laugh. The doctor told me this month would probably be a bust but you never know. We proceeded to make plans for my next cycle.

When I told Dr. Rupe, she said she would pray that my fallopian tubes would flop around this month so perhaps the left one would catch one of those eggs. As crazy as it sounded, I began to hope and pray, knowing that it would be just like the Lord to do something crazy like allow me to conceive against all odds.

Now don't get too excited. This is not the "I'm Pregnant!" post that I've been longing to write all year. I'll actually find out this week though if I am. I have the most renewed sense of faith as I wait. I know that I'm probably not pregnant. It would truly be a miracle if I was. But I've not stopped asking him to do the unthinkable. I've not stopped believing that he surely could. And remembering Heather's crazy adoption story reminds me that he can. If he chooses not to, then he has something else in mind for the next chapter of my story. I will simply pray for grace and provision as I wait for it to be revealed.

I'm praying that each of you will be filled with crazy faith this week. . .no matter what that means for you and your story.

Love,

New Mercies. . .

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a really, long time. I went to the fertility clinic for my routine day 17 follicular ultrasound only to find many, small, defunct eggs in my ovaries. This has never happened to me which means the fertility drugs aren't working anymore. I held back tears as I met with the doctor who told me they would try additional meds to see if they could get these eggs going. If not, we'd need to move to more "aggressive measures." He might as well have said, "If not, we'll need to look at mortgaging your house if you want to have another child."

I fought the tears that wanted so badly to cover my face and sat down to check out only to discover that the provision of God that I had proclaimed as a result of my insurance company oddly covering the cost of my ultrasounds, was not in fact provision but a mistake. And I was handed a bill for $600. Do you know what it feels like to pay for fertility treatments AFTER you already know they didn't work? I wanted to throw up.

I ran to my car so that no one would see me when I lost it. I closed the door and did just that. I thought I was going to hyperventilate.

Why does it have to be so hard Lord? Isn't the desire to have and raise children a Godly one? Why have you chosen not to intervene? Why won't you have mercy on us?

When I pulled it together I found the strength to read the materials the doctor had given me about these "more aggressive" measures. Injectable fertility drugs and close monitoring for about $3000-$5000 a month (and they say it takes an average of 3-6 months for it to work). OR we go straight to IVF for $12,000-$15,000.

And then I cried some more.

Seriously, Lord?! Do you really want us to spend this kind of money for a life that we know comes from you anyway? WHY OH WHY Lord have you not intervened? Have we heard you wrong? Are we not supposed to have another biological child?

I spent the better part of the day and night angry and bitter. I'm not ashamed to admit that I had these responses. The burdens on my heart are many (there are several others I have yet to share) so yes, I am at the end of my rope and it makes me angry from time to time.

My husband prayed over us before we went to bed and although I still felt like I wanted to scream, it allowed my heart and mind to rest a bit.

This morning I awoke with fresh peace and perspective. Thank the Lord that his mercies are new every morning. I'm still disappointed and confused and overwhelmed by the decisions we have to make, but as I read Jesus Calling over breakfast I was reminded that I cannot face the circumstances that come to me unless I remain in his presence. As mother's and women in general, no matter what we are facing we won't make it unless we invite him in and hold him close. I can yell and scream and shake my fist at God but the moment I picture his precious and sacrificial son sitting next to me or wiping away my tears, my anger turns into raw and honest love.

I am asking him for new mercies. I think one of the things I wrote in the book in the chapter on miscarriage and loss is "Ask the Lord for strength to get through the day and then ask again tomorrow." I guess I should take my own advice. I have no idea what his will is regarding our family. I am trying my best to take it one step at a time. I know he's already intimately familiar with the story that is unfolding before us. I just have to trust he'll lead us through this crossroads. I appreciate your prayers as we seek him.

Love,

Walking and Waiting. . .

It's amazing how we can respond so differently to the same circumstances at different junctures. I've told several people this week - I'm not sure if I'm growing up or growing cold but I feel very indifferent about the fact that God said no yet again this month. My feeble, little mind keeps trying to understand why, if all of the parts needed to conceive are there each month, is it not happening. I've conceived four times before. Four times in four years, which is pretty remarkable for someone deemed "infertile." And yet after repeated attempts with measures beyond any needed in the past, my womb is empty.

After learning that I was not pregnant again, I sat with my Bible and told God that I needed him to speak to me. I needed to know that he saw my disappointment and my pain. I opened right up to Psalm 119:49 and this is what I read:

Remember your word to your servant, you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.

Our daughter, whose life we also fought for, is named Hope. He has literally given us hope. For that I am so thankful. I asked God last month if we were supposed to be believing for another biological child and I believe he said yes. I believe it was a promise. His promise preserves my life.

I read through Psalm 119:58 and then I read it in The Message where it says:

I beg you from the bottom of my heart: smile, be gracious to me just as you promised.

What an honest cry this is. I'm learning to be more honest with the Lord. He is not afraid of my pain. He is not afraid of my questions. He is full of grace and love for me. . .and for you.

As I'm sure many of us can say about some part of our life: I wish this were not my story. I would prefer to walk an easy road in establishing my family. But for whatever reason, God sees fit to lead us on this journey. The tension of walking and waiting is a hard one. I do not know what the next chapter holds, I just know I must put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, trusting him to lead us.

Whatever journey you are on right now, will you trust him to show you the way?

When God Says 'No'. . .Again

I don't even know how to write this post, nor do I really want to. But I've committed to sharing my journey with you here and so I must.

My mom left a note for my dad before we left her house yesterday morning. It said,

God said no again. We went shopping.

I wish it were that simple. I wish that the cute, new pair of shoes I bought after finding out our latest cycle (which included IUI) didn't work really did make me feel better. But they don't.

I've been through this roller coaster SO MANY TIMES. I'm not sure why it's hitting me hardest this month. Perhaps it's because I'm weary. Perhaps it's because I'm on a very different personal journey of faith this year where I am purposing to really understand what I feel and what I believe rather than letting someone tell me how to feel or believe. And with that honesty comes raw emotion and lots of questions.

We've had some very, very hard trials in our family this summer and I've felt that I cannot handle several battles at once. So I begged God, I pleaded with Him to have mercy on us and allow us to conceive this month so I could overcome one battle and move on to the next. But His mercy didn't come. Not in the form of a baby anyway. Not this time.

I want so badly to tell you that I know He has a plan and that I trust Him and that we should all believe because He is good and will hear our cry for whatever it is we are longing for. Although I know that is true in my heart of hearts, I don't really feel like it at the moment so I'm not going to pretend. He knows my heart is broken and He's not afraid of my responses. He understands my disappointment and I believe that His great mercy will allow me time to wrestle with the questions I hold in my heart. At the end of the day I will say that He is good because He is. . . even if I never receive the 'yes' I am contending for.

Thank you for your prayers. Know that I lift all of you up regularly as well.
Love,

10 Things To Do During Your TWW {Two Week Wait}

For those of you girls out there hoping and praying you are pregnant, I wanted to do a post on 10 things to do during your TWW*. Since I am about to enter the TWW once again, I've been thinking about what I could do to make the wait less agonizing. Below are some of my ideas. I'd love to hear yours!

*If you don't know what the two week wait is. . . I hate you because it means you are fertile and have never waited for a prego test to give you double pink lines. Wait, I take that back. Some of our readers aren't trying to get pregnant yet. So some of you may not know what the TWW is because you're not there yet. In that case, I'll explain. The two week wait should be self-explanatory - it's the two weeks you wait between the time you ovulate and the time your period should start. With the modern technology of pregnancy tests, the wait is really more like 8-10 days but who's counting? It's still torture!

10 THINGS TO DO DURING YOUR TWW

1. Buy something that makes you feel good
Shop therapy is my favorite kind of therapy. To get your mind off the wait, treat yourself to something special. A new outfit. A pair of earrings. Hey - if you can't afford to shop because you are doing fertility treatments, buy a new lip gloss. Anything that might make you feel good!

2. Tackle a home project
I know, I know. Who wants to work while waiting on something so important?! You'd be surprised how focusing in on a project will keep your mind off of the wait. Dive into a project and focus your mind on that goal instead of the goal of getting pregnant.

3. Read a fun and mindless novel
This is another one that costs money but you can keep it cheap. Books aren't that expensive and you can always browse the bargain section at your local bookstore. Find a book that won't make you think or weigh you down. A good beach-read will do wonders for keeping your mind off what's going on in your body.

4. Read the Bible
I'm sure it's obvious by now that I am a Christian so reading the bible is a part of my regular (wish I could honestly say daily) life. Even if you haven't read the Bible much, there are so many encouraging passages that will give you peace as you wait. One of my best friends, Kristy (who has had her share of two week waits), has a wonderful idea about using the Word during your TWW. If she ever gets around to finishing it (the poor thing has 2 small children, is pregnant with her 3rd and just moved to a new city), I will ask her to do a guest post here. No pressure Kristy! Some of my favorite verses are:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

He places the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children. - Psalm 113:9 (NIV)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, by the power of the holy spirit. - Romans 15:13

5. Write a letter to the child you are hoping for
OK this one may not totally get your mind off of the waiting but it can help you wait with purpose. It would be naive to think you are not going to think about possibly being pregnant at all during your TWW. Instead of wondering and worrying, take this time that you are feeling the most hopeful and prayerful about conceiving a child and write the child you hope for a letter. Let them know how much you are wishing and longing for them right now. I'm sure any child would love to read that letter when they are old enough to understand just how badly you wanted them. Even if you do not conceive this month, you'll have a precious letter to give your child someday that tells them how much you prayed for their life.

6. Go on a special date with your spouse
Get all dolled up and go out to dinner and a movie. Enjoy these moments while you still can!

7. Rent a TV series you've never watched and get hooked
Are you one of the 50 people in the world who never got into LOST? Now would be a good time to give it a try. If LOST doesn't interest you, try any other TV series you've not watched before. Just having something else to talk about (other than baby wishes) will help make your wait go faster.

8. Pick out a challenging new recipe and give it a try
I am no Rachel Ray, that's for sure. I've always wanted to pick out a challenging recipe, buy all the ingredients I can't pronounce and try my best to make it look as wonderful as the picture in the cookbook. This might be the perfect time to give it a shot.

9. Get yourself a mani/pedi
Enough said. A mani/pedi can make any girl feel better. Just looking at your cute toes and your beautifully manicured hands will help pass the time.

10. Pray for other people's needs
Probably one of the best ways to get your mind off of your wait is to get your mind off of yourself. Make a list of all the other needs around you. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would covet your prayers during this time. Turn your thoughts to them and ask God to meet their needs.

Peace to you as you wait,

Book Preview! Chapter 1

How do you like the final cover? It's a bit different than the first round you voted on. I'll spare you the details of the cover process and just tell you we are really excited about how adorably bold it is.

We are so thankful for you, our early adapters of this project. Your input on cover design and subject matter has been so helpful because we want this resource to be exactly what Christian women need to enhance their pregnancy experience. We thought it was time to give you a little sneak peek of the book content. We've included Chapter 1 below because I suspect that many of you are looking to get pregnant - if not now then in the months to come. Please keep in mind this is a rough draft. We are still in the editing process. We hope that this will be helpful to you and we welcome your feedback.
TPC Chp 1
Enjoy!

Clomid, STAT!

Infertility.

I find that patients often approach it in 1 of 2 ways.

A. Denial: “We haven’t used protection since we got married 10 years ago, but we haven’t really been ‘trying’ either. We may start ‘trying’ sometime next year.”

B. Obsession: “We’ve been off protection for 3 months. Here’s my excel spread sheet of my basal body temperatures. The slope of the curve on month two is not quite what it should be. Also here’s a cell phone picture of my cervical mucous. Is it the right consistency? I’ve read on line about natural progesterone. Do I have a luteal phase defect? I want my Clomid…. NOW!”

This is an exaggeration, of course , but I thought I would touch on the medical definition of infertility since we have have several posts about it recently. Infertility is defined as unprotected intercourse for one year without conception. If you have not conceived after one year of ‘trying’ then you should see a gynecologist. Now this applies to healthy women, with regular monthly cycles, under the age 37. If you are greater than 37 then it is recommended you seek treatment after 6 months if you have not conceived. Also if your cycles are irregular and infrequent its most likely that you aren’t ovulating so you would also need to seek treatment sooner. By irregular cycles, I mean cycles every 2 to 6 months, that really have no pattern to them.

As a doctor, when a patient comes to me for infertility, it’s usually a relief to find out that they aren’t ovulating. Ovulation is something that can be ‘fixed.’ Unexplained infertility, when everything is normal, is the most challenging because then there is nothing to ‘fix.’

Medically speaking, clomid is a miracle drug. It takes women whose ovaries are stalled out, whips them into shape and helps them ovulate. 80% of women who don’t ovulate, will do so with clomid. Lack of ovulation is most commonly due to a miss communication between the brain and the ovaries. What clomid does is trick the brain into thinking that there isn’t any estrogen in your system, the brain responds by causing an estrogen surge which then results in ovulation in most women. Now, clomid won’t work if your brain has stopped ovulating due to stress, exercise or weightloss. Sometimes in addition to clomid the fertility specialist will inject the sperm into the uterus at the time of ovulation, in order to get the egg(s) and sperm closer together and bypass any issues that may be going on with cervical mucous.

I wanted to clarify from Jessica's previous post that clomid doesn’t increase the risk of miscarriage. In Jessica’s situation, because of her multiple losses, it is going to be more helpful to monitor her ovaries with ultrasound and get her timing perfect with the HCG shot. She has already passed the simpler treatments.

Clomid is one of the few drugs that people ask for quite regularly. It is inexpensive* and taken as an easy to use pill, so I think sometimes people aren’t aware that it does have risks. The main risk is twins, up to 8% risk. That may not seem like a lot, but the normal rate of twins is less than 1%. Other risks include hot flashes, moodiness and blood clots. Twin pregnancies have an increased rate of preterm labor and several other complication, so clomid, like all medications should be taken only when indicated.

To all those out there ‘trying’ and even those in the ‘practicing’ stage, my hope is that you never need to read this post, and that all your conception will go smoothly and quickly.

*Clomid costs about $20 a month. If you can't afford clomid…. You can’t afford a baby.

Fertility-Clinic Chronicles

It's funny to me how women don't like to make eye contact at the fertility clinic. We're all in the same boat! Hello, it's alright for other women to see you there because, ahem, they are there too. But still, women do not acknowledge each other. It's as if they are so ashamed of their plight of infertility they do not even want to connect with others going through the same ordeal. And yet, women flock to blogs and infertility chat rooms. Perhaps they would rather remain a nameless, faceless case of infertility.

Not me. Misery loves company, that's what I always say. So this morning at the clinic, I made it a point to connect with the other women. After all, we could actually be having babies around the same time next year {God I pray this for all of the women there today}. I asked one why the clinic always seems to put a different doctor's name on the form. I thought I saw Dr. Hill but Dr. Eblen was noted this morning. And then I chucked with another about how I can't seem to remember what floor to choose in the elevator for the parking garage. After the countless times I've been to the clinic, you'd think I could recall this simple detail. I wanted her to know I'd been there many times before. . .that I was like her. She laughed and commented how many times she'd been there lately and she should remember as well. There. A connection. Hopefully now she knows she's not alone on her long and exhausting journey.

I feel a strong conviction to drop my guard and do this as much as possible while I visit the clinic over the next couple of months. I'm sure I won't be changing the world by being cordial but perhaps I can help someone feel less alone as they walk this road.

I was cleared this morning to begin another round of Clomid. I'll start the drugs today {please pray they don't make me crazy} and then I'll do a follicular ultrasound next week to make sure I have mature eggs. Too much information?! Sorry, when you've had one of your close friends all up in your fertility you kinda drop your pride when it comes to these things. I appreciate your interest and your prayers. Please believe with me that my lone left ovary will produce the egg I need to conceive this month.

What's your infertility story? Don't be like those women at the clinic. Make eye contact. Post a comment and share your story so others can be encouraged.

Hopeful,

Time Doesn't Fly When You are Staring at a Pee Stick

We all seem to complain that time seems to fly. Perhaps we should all just try to get pregnant, that pretty much makes it crawl at a snail’s pace. It may be helpful to remember that “normal” fertile couples conceive at a rate of 30% per month. So the average couple takes 3-6 months to to get pregnant. Hmmm. No, that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but I wanted to reassure Jess, and those out there trying, that they are not alone in their frustration with time.
The goal of clomid is make you ovulate, which then puts you on even ground with everyone else. With IVF, 30% is considered a good success rate (depending on many factors). So even when you carefully put the embryo in the uterus, the rate is still about the same.
So hang in there, as you try again next month. Hey, maybe this slowing of time will help us meet our deadline! I know, wishful thinking :)